Useful questions

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Here we are, this is the last post for my "Quarter life crisis" series. Sometimes, to quote Hoggle (from The Labyrinth, my source of wisdom), you need to ask the right question to have the right answer.

Other than the classics "who am I" "what do I really want" "where am I going" "where do I come from" (ok, I've never really got this one, maybe I'm wrong, but it always seemed quite clear to me) there are questions that are useful to feel better.
We have the questions for EFT, the ones that you use with yourself, almost chatting with yourself, to find out what's bothering you, what it feels like, what it looks like and so on.
We have the questions from the Sedona Method, another technique to release negative emotions.
We have pragmatical questions, questions that help you accomplish things: can I reach my goal now? If not, what can I do now? Can I reach X without doing Y? What can I do to reach Y?

Then we have questions I would have carved in stone. I couldn't put them in order of importance, because they are equally important, depending on each case:

- in ten years, will it still matter?
When you're angry, or upset for something ask yourself this question. The simple imagination of yourself in ten years will shift your attention from what's upsetting you, to your future. I bet that the answer will be "no, actually it won't matter anymore!"

- why does it bother you so much?
I think this one comes from Jung, and it means that when something (an habit, an action, a something, a je ne sais quoi) about someone bothers you really much, really gets on your nerves, ask yourselves why is that.
Very often we find that other people's annoying flaws annoy us because those are our own flaws, or something we don't like/don't accept in ourselves... or maybe, it's something we would like to have, or to be.
Granted some things bother us for their own sake, I don't like people being rude because I don't like rudeness in general. But when you're dealing with something subtle, not so clear, ask yourseves why.
And be honest with yourselves, don't go like it's always and only other people's fault.
This question helped me so much in my personal growth, in changing parts of me I didn't like and in appreciating many other things that otherwise I would have lost.
Plus, if you ask yourselves why that bothers you so much, and you find out that it is just something you can't stand, you will react to that, instead of reacting to that person.

- who said that?
This one blew my mind, an my beloved Icon asked me it: one day I was telling her something along these lines "But anyway that's useless, I know it's not going to turn out good". At this she replied, as quietly as a cat nap in the afternoon, "Who said that? Is that something you heard from someone, or are these words coming from within you?" BAM! Enlightment! Nobody actually told me those words, I was putting myself down before even trying!
And how many times did I do something like that? How destructive this is?

- is it still true?
In some ways this question is linked to the previous one: maybe someone once said something to you, or you've heard something that concerned you. Maybe it was something bad, or negative, or something that still affects you somehow.
A classic example? Maybe you've heard your mother telling someone "Oh, she's so shy!". Et voilà! Life-long shyness is granted! Because you believe it, because you think that you're mother is right, and you start to collect all the evidences that prove it.
So now ask yourselves: how many beliefs on yourselves you still hold true? How many of those self-fulfilling prophecies your parents carelessly dropped are still valid? How many of these beliefs are in you because of other people? How many are still valid? And true?

People change, I hope these questions will help you like they help me. And if you know any other brilliant questions, please leave them in the comments, I want to know!!!

Self proclaiming

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I love the net 'cause you can find anything, really any thing.
The twenty-something who claims to be a life coach, the teenager who writes she's a "photographer, stylist and writer".
And you find yourself thinking: "What do they know about that stuff???"
But I find myself thinking something else too, if I can say something good about myself is that I've learned to learn from every thing, moment, happening.
So yes, even if the first impression may leave you a bit stunned, I came to the conclusion that self proclaming/defining is not that bad, after all.

This is thanks also to a book my singing teacher lent me "The rock and roll singer's survival manual" by Mark Baxter (great book!), there was one thing that struck me: you can say you are somebody who works a certain job and then sings, or you can say that you are a singer earning his living out of a certain job.
It makes the difference, a huge difference.

Because in the precise moment you look at yourself in the mirror and you say to yourself "I am X" (astronaut, singer, dreamer, shmurf) then you have to take some responsibilities.
If you go and write it on the internet, where everyone can see it, then you have more responsibilities, but before dealing with what other people may think, let's focus on the first responsibilities that come up.

Saying you are "something" works as a memento of a goal you have, it keeps you motivated to act and behave in a certain way, to go in a certain direction, to achieve a certain goal.
Keeping up with the book I mentioned before a singer always have to remember that anywhere he goes, anything he does, his instrument is always with him... like a guitar player going to the bus stop, every day, with 40° or with a freezing rain, and his lovely guitar has no case, and takes bumps on the bus... You are starting to picture what it means defining yourself and living up to it?

Onto the responsibilities you have with other people. If you write you're a photographer then you should commit in taking pictures every day, saving money to afford better and newer lenses, learn tricks in photoshop, keeping you photo account up to date and spread the word about it. Nobody will come at night pulling your calves if you change your mind, just don't go like the fox and the grapes, really, deeply committing to your goal will be enough so that you won't, as we say around here, look like a chocolatier.

The need of commitment and the clarity of a goal you get from defining yourself is what it makes this thing worth it.
Moreover, we don't need to be all painters or astronauts, if that's not what you're into. It works for the "stage persona" I was talking about the last time, too!
You can come up with your very own definition.
Soul of the kitchen? Why not! Psychedelic-goth seamstress? Yay! Synapsis fae? If it means something to you, go on!

I'm still looking for my self-proclamation, so what about you? How would you define yourselves?

Gone with the shyness part 3

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You can read many articles, blogpost and of the such, about remedies against shyness.
But I've always thought that those who wrote those articles had never been shy at all.
The last time I wrote about the different origins shyness may have, but no matter where it comes from I think that there are always the same few solutions to it.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible (even though is going to be really long), it would take a book to tell you all about my personal journey out of it, but even though everybody's favourite topic is oneselves, I don't think you'd like to read that book!
But I can tell you I'm an expert on this topic, and I do not mean to "blame" anybody for my shyness.

I don't remember when or why I started being shy, we have family videos where I sing and dance with no problem at all, but maybe it was just some childish game.
Anyway I do remember that I had the biggest issues during the last years of high school / first years of uni: at the end of middle school and during the first years of highschool I really couldn't care less of what others thought about me, I was all like "I like punk music, I don't give a damn, I wear fake yellow Docs with purple corduroy trousers and a red hoodie, so what???!".
Then it all went down, to the point I was paranoid when I had to push the stop button on the bus "what will people assume from my finger? from where I stop? from how I stand up and walk down?" and so forth.
Despite all of this I behaved as usual, maybe I over-acted a bit to hide my shyness.
Moreover I had just started taking singing lessons.

And here comes mistake number one.
If you do something you like, and you do it 'cause you like it (and it happens to have benefits, like, in my case, helping me out with shyness), please DO NOT transform your hobby, your "getaway" into therapy.
It's just not going to work. I don't know how but singing stepped from hobby to therapy, and from therapy to the issue itself.
I told myself that I simply had to get used to it, but the more I failed at it, the more I was nervous. But I swear, miss, I knew it at home!

Mistake the second.
Too many "experts" give you pieces of mind, blabbling too much on what you should do, but it seems that they forget a bit too often that shyness is something personal, and therefore you have to see each case, each person, and know that each one of us has to deal with it in his/her own way.
As I was saying, the second usual mistake is to fight against your shyness. Yeah, right. How do I get rid of it then?
Getting rid of the idea that you have to get rid of it. I said I'm not "blaming" anybody for my shyness, this means that as long as you worry about it, as long as you lose mind and sleep trying to figure out which was the traumatic event that unleashed your shyness (ever thought that maybe there wasn't a single one? But maybe some tiny, meaningless moments that drove you to shyness slowly, all together?), as long as you look for all the names of the responsible ones (my mom repressed me! my dad never complimented me! my family has too high expectations from me! society doesn't allow my self expression! school was filled up with jerks! I'm hopeless no matter what I do!) you are never taking your own responsability to change things.

Let's face it, will it make a really big difference to know who/when/why? I mean, figuring it out may be therapeutcally useful, but it won't change the facts: you are shy NOW and you feel bad about it.
So let us do something right now. Let's say to ourselves "Ok, I am shy... so what???", start accepting it, realizing that shyness is no deadly sin, you don't have to be shy of being shy, it's part of you, like having one particular hair colour, a certain lenght of legs, and hands shaped in a certain fashion.
In the meanwhile, let's be grateful we do have legs and hands? Shall we? Shyness is really the last of the problems.

Once you've learned to accept it (which doesn't mean you have to write poems praising your shyness, but simply facing the fact that it is there, and learn how to live with it, think about what I've wrote about limits) you can start to actually deal with it.

I think I started to get better last year, when I went to France for Erasmus, when I found myself thrown into a Shining meets Slumville dorm, where I knew nothing and nobody, and where I met the most wonderful and amazing people, who had purposes, who were passionate and positive, and when I found blogs and websites written by girls like me, from all around the world, but with an endless charge of positive thinking. And then EFT, LoA, affirmations &co.
Last but not least this winter thanx to Charade's homeworks and Gala's Radical Self Love I practiced daily and constantly two simple things:
treat yourself like you treat your best friend, and if you slip (that's normal, it happens) into negative thought and into self-harassment commit yourself to a non-punishment: compliment yourself, hug yourself, smile in the mirror, any silly crap to remind yourself that you love yourself!

How do unicorns and rainbows fix your shyness?
Well, they don't, at least not on their own, it takes time but if you love yourself, the next time you'll be "wrong" you won't react by getting mad at yourself for being wrong, or worst (and it was me) you won't stop yourself from doing for fear of being wrong, and then getting mad at yourself for not even trying.
Slowly, with Commitment and Patience, you'll simply become softer with yourself.

Third mistake: to think that you have to be firm like granite. I was 17 and I thought I had to be some kind of moral and ethical coherence model, I absolutely had to be in only one, non-contradictory way, stay true to my words and always do what I said and have no mercy if I ever -ah! blasphemy!- changed my mind on something, it wasn't right!

I say (sparing you from any teenager psychologistic retrospective) to hell with coherence, stillness is death, change is life.

Eventually, to face all these mistakes, a "stage persona" is not a bad idea (I really got it after slamming my head on severall walls, some times I had to hurt myself really bad before realizing evidence... sigh...): Oscar Wilde said to give a man a mask to hear the truth from him (or something along these lines)... I don't think that truth exists, only portions of reality, but anyway, a mask does you no harm, it doesn't mean that you're an impostor or an hypocritical (like I thought), it means wearing some protections, some lifesavers, some airbags around you.
You can decide where and when to be shy and when to use your super powerful and sparkling mask, that won't hide your true self, but will enhance your strongest features while protecting the fable ones (I avoided "better" and "worse" terms on purpose, otherwise I would have perpetuated the thought that shyness is something bad, a flaw you should be ashamed of and you should get rid of).

I can sum up my "expert advice" in one single word: flexibility.
Meaning you have to be open minded to distinguish between fun and therapy. Meaning being gentle with yourself, remembering that you are your first best friend (whether you like it or not you're bound to yourself forever, so you'd better make the best of it!). And also meaning that you have to welcome change.

Oh! And remember to breathe!
No, seriously!
One of the most common advice is to "focus on what you are doing in that moment"... well hello genius, but it's just what I'm doing that makes me nervous!
Then you should learn to focus on your breathing.
Breath in, deeply, from your stomach to your chest, the breath out completely, till the last bit of oxygen you have in your body, you have to turn blue from the effort.
Then you'll feel your lungs filling up with air, on their own, and that air will be sooooo good!
From now on just feel the air tickling your nose, filling your belly, your chest moving and the air going out again.
After all, focusing on your breath is the first step in any kind of meditation and physical exercise.

Trust me,it makes a difference: if your lizard brain (remember?) it's busy taking care of that one fundamental activity that is breathing, it won't have the time to focus on fear and run.

Last but not least: physical activity really helps, not only it will give you, with time, a better shape (and that's not bad for self esteem!) most of all it gives you right away a load of endorphines, plus it relaxes muscles and gives you the ability to focus on your body, therefore you will have a peacefully "empty" mind.
And drink lots of water... and eat healty, and sleep well... but this is "ye olde stuff" ;)

Gone with the shyness part 2

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Last time I left you saying that shyness may not be what it seems.
My jaw dropped when I read these things about shyness.
Introvert and shy people are two different kind of people. Introversion is part of some personality types, an attitude towards the world: the introvert is more focused on his/her own inner world, has a different kind of sensibility, maybe is a bit too idealist and may feel outcast because society wants people to be extroverted. But s/he's not necessarily a shy person, s/he can become shy if s/he convinces her/himself that s/he is.
Shyness, on the other hand, is something that it's more likely to be learned, from experiences, from circumstances. And can be changed (well, to be honest you can also change from introverion to extraversion... or simply accept the fact that you're an introvert and love yourself for what you are: someone reserved, with a huge sensibility and inner richness)

The other thing that really dropped my jaw more or less at my knees level is that shyness is not only low self esteem, lack of positive reinforcement (which is: you do something bad? you get puhished. You do something right? It's only your duty, no "bravo!"), but it can also be caused by an excessive self esteem.

What? Wait, wait, wait!
Isn't the shy one the one who underestimates him/herself, has no self confidence and all that jazz?
Yes, true, but apparently you can be shy also having a too high idea of yourself. How does that work? It's simple: you think, maybe you're not really aware of that, to be super, super smart, super creative, super goodlooking, super good at anything you do. So you keep super high standards for yourself, almost impossible standards. And you know they're impossible, you planned them! Therefore you don't even try, you don't feel like you can achieve that, you don't feel adequate, you don't feel enough. Your actions don't mirror your thoughts, your beliefs. And that's how one closes up in her/himself, stop trying; the fear of failure with your own self moves to the outside and you get stuck, anybody looks/seems/is better than you, you feel left back.

What do you do at this point? Your self esteem is super inflated, but useless...

You deflate it, you accept you're shy and you're afraid of failure, you accept you're not perfect and therefor loving yourself anyway is extremely important, and that failing is part of that love-yourself-process, you learn from failure and from acceptance, and you learn that you're not perfect nor ment to be. And then you try.
Trying doing what?
Anything, everything you want.

Some of you, if fitting into this cathegory, may have thought "yeah, right, but how can I do everything if I'm not perfect?" or at least you have felt some objection to this post.
Not being perfect means that you have the chance to do mistakes and learn from them, and also means that you have limits.

Many people say that limits are there to be overtaken, and I fairly agree: see limits as steps of a stair you are on, is something that helps you stay motivated.
But there are also limits that are impossible overtake.
It doesn't matter how much you want it, how much you train, and committ and try but if you're 1 meter and a bun tall you'll hardly win the world guinness for the tallest person.
But think about it for a minut: set aside world guinness, NBA and maybe some jobs (this may be a bit thougher to go throug, but wait for the next sentence), set aside the things you really cannot do... how many other chances do you have?

Limits aren't necessarily something negative, yet, they can help you stimulate your creativity, your search for your chances.
I know about painting classes that would ask you to paint 100 pictures, all with the same subject, but each and every time with different mediums, without being able to use a medium twice.
Something similar goes on in creative writing classes: write ten stories, one for each narrative genre, this much of words, with, for example, a traffic light as the protagonist.
Can you imagine fulfilling similar tasks? Think about it, really think about it now, for some minutes.
Have you noticed how much you are forced to think out of the box?

Instead of thinking that you have no self esteem and will never have, instead of thinking that as shy as you are you will never be able to do anything, instead of fighting fire with fire why don't you try to say to yourselves "ok, I'm shy... and then?" and try to imagine how many things you can do even if you're shy!!

Next time I'll share how I'm going through this... maybe you won't do my same mistakes!

Gone with the shyness part 1

screenshot by me, from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland DVD

I think that everybody is shy, at least a little, at least towards some aspects in life.
Otherwise we would have many more showoff brats.
And I also think that some of these showoffs are behaving like that to hide their "flaws", shyness it is.

A lot of big brains, since the past, have praised shyness: it's the virtue of the thinker, it helps thoughtfulness and wisdom, not to mention how fragile and mysterious ladies and their flushing cheeks were seen as intriguing.
Plus, lately I've been reading about books that deal with shyness as some survival/evolution element: the shy one has the perfect instinct to detect dangerous situations, so that he learns to run away, saving his life, perpetuating the species.

Sounds like rabbits, isn't it? Have you ever read "Watership down"? I did, it's amazing, it makes you wish you where a rabbit! But let's get back on track, I could get lost talking about bunnies all day long... I'll have a post on rabbits, don't fret!

I'm trying to free myself from shyness, since a lot (or what it seems like a lot) of time, and I think I did achieve some results. I'm still not fully satisfied as I would like, but here my latest thoughts come in handy:

1) shyness has many ways to manifest itself, to the point of pathology. For every degree of shyness there is a way out: from challenging yourself, to seek professional medical/psychological help.
2) shyness has different physical manifestations: it's basically fear, a body reaction to something threatening. The "lizard brain" is responsible for this reaction, and it's also responsible for instinctual funcions (hearbeat, breathing, blinking...). So, to clarify: when you are "scared" your lizard brain tells your body to be ready to run away, i.e. like moving your blood from it's regular circulation, all towards your legs so you're literally ready to run.
3) finally, and blatantly, shyness has a lot of causes, still not clear wich ones, wether they be genetical, behavioural or psychological.

The key to positively react to these state of fear, so they say, is to tell yourself you're not in danger, you have to focus on rational, practical things, and not on what's irrational... yeah, right...
Will somebody tell to "those-who-say" that if we could keep calm and think rationally when we feel that rush of blood, that sudden acceleration in the heartbeat, that jump of your heart in your throat, that blush on your cheeks, that dizzy head (wich means it's quite impossible to stop and think "oh, just wait, I have to cool down, breath in breath out, think rational, practical... this is not rational!") we wouldn't be shy in the first place, would we? And we wouldn't need their cheap advice neither!

Here are some things I've actually learned: very often it's all in our heads, some things have to be accepted as they are, some things have to be planned and prepared and rehearsed and practiced, we're all on the same boat, "limits" aren't necessarily something bad, and shyness may not be what it seems at first...

So after this enilghtening, brilliant, super-fresh introduction, I've divided this matter in more posts, so that you can digest it all with the time that is due to such a topic.

The Right to Complain

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Despite the Law of attraction I believe that once in a while we do have the right to complain about something.
Those five minutes when you "spit it" won't cause you seven years of bad luck (you're not crashing a mirror.. thehehe), more! As I see it, "spit it" out will do you good.

Still despite the Law of attraction we all remember that car bumper sticker, around the '70s, the one quoted also in Forrest Gump: "Shit happens", please excuse my french.
We're human beings, and it's perfectly normal for us being bothered by something that gives on our nerves. At this point we need to make two distinctions:
1) There are things you better be upset by, and things you don't... what matter is to notice the difference: not everything is a matter of life and death, sometimes you better keep calm. It's healty, believe me, you'll learn how many things DO NOT get on your nerves at all!
2) most of all, there's a huge difference between "complain" and "whine".

Sadly this world population is made also by those people that would feel lost without anything to complain about, people that keep whine about the same issue all the time (or different aspects of the same issue, or different issues all rooted to another old one) and who think that complaining all the time will give them attention, respect, importance... a lot of... seems like having something to complain about is something that gives them expertise and competence on something.*

I will make this example as long as I have voice... or as long as it is carved in stone on every cradle: pow-wow women used to gather once a week, to discuss their problems and seek advice. One week later they checked upon what had been said: if the problem was solved, than goody-good, if it wasn't solved but new aspects of it emerged, new advices were given, if it wasn't solved and nothing had been done to solve it there were only two possibilities: solving it for good, with already given advice... or stop whining about it.

Because at some point complaining becomes fun.
Ok, now those who complained a lot about something at least once in theri lives, raise their hands.
Now...
Be honest and confess to yourself you have done it. I know. We all did. It's ok, it's human.

Good! Well, if you're still in that phase this is a good chance to stop, I know that now it feels "safe" somehow, a way to fish for pats on the back; for some people it's something they can relate to, complaining is also stating your identity (we are our problems, aren't we? ...tristesse). Here is where "Law of attraction" comes back in handy, or without calling it names or bothering the Universe, let's stick to "psychology".

Any "quest" ends with finding what you were looking for. If you're looking for strawberries you already know *what* to look for, you need the way to get to it. So you won't notice oaks, sunsets, trucks or songbirds, but you'll focus on white little flowers, serrated leaves, red berries, or still green ones.
The same goes for what bothers you: if you focus on something exclusively you'll notice only those things that will confirm (or not, depends on what you want) your theories. You don't even notice the rest.

Shall we do an exercise? It looks silly, it's simple but effective!
If you like you can pretend you're a witch.

Take a piece of paper, a pen, a small old pot, a panstand and a match.
And start writing, "spit out" everything that annoys you. Be incredibly mean and caustic, don't hold yourself, write like you were writing with fire.
You can write an entire copybook if you like.
When you'll be done freeing your mind, decluttering it like Dumbledore's thinker (just to stay in line with your make-believe), when all your paranoias will inked down, every conspiracy, every clue you picked, every thought, every drop of poison you have... fullstop. Take your time to read all you wrote.
How many times you want to.

Then scrunch up that paper, toss it in the pot (placed on its panstand so nothing will get burned... please please please try not to set your house on fire, maybe do this in the bathroom: at least there's water in handy!) and light it with the match.
Now enjoy the feeling of liberation you get from watching all your troubles disappear, as light as smoke and ashes, it's all down to nothing, nothing at all.

You can repeat this exercise as many times as you need. Just be careful not to burn your house down, please!
I won't take that resposability if you're the first irresponsibles, ok?!

And it's done: it's oke to complain about something that affects you as soon as it happens, to find a solution or simply to "spit it". Here you need again to be honest with yourselves and admit that you're in a "whining phase".
But at least do it for yourself, if you can't help but stress someone else's ears, and stop it, quit whining. I can grant you that you'll feel so much better, after those witchy fieve minutes!

Just think about how much time you save to think about pleasant things, or to eat a cupcake.

* How to spot them: these peoples, and these whines, are negative ones, energy-sucking, though may be concealed because they are not limited to "owchie, my back hurts", no! They may whine in a subtler way, a generic "topic" about which they keep talking, in a victim-hero way. Don't be mean, don't judge, just know that this behaviour comes from an inner frustration or bad feeling (we've all been there, we all should know what it's like). They feel bad enough with themselves, they don't need our finger pointed ;).
Just steer away gently, and get busy with something better!

Stop. Overload.

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Books. Check
Manuals. Check
Bookmarked websites. Check
Blog about it. Check
Free ebooks and pdf. Check
Subscription to newsletters and mailing lists. Check.

Well, used to be checked.
When I'm into a topic I tend to gather as much as I can, I talk about it with anyone who can listen or help... can we say I obsess over something?

Untill the day when my head is so crowded with voices that I can't hear mine, when I'd like to do tons of things... all at the same time, when in the end I do nothing 'cause I don't know where to start, what to think, who to listen to.
After all, and in the end, it's always a matter of opinions.
Be it autogenic training, how to ace a job interview or water painting everyone has his own two cents: experts, books, friends.
What you get is impasse: there are always pro and cons. You learn from good books, and bad ones (at least you learn what you have to avoid).
You have and look for so much stuff that you have no more time or focus to read and use what you already have.

Information overload.

What do we do then?
Unplug: turn your pc off, stop downloading stuff, unsubscribe from newsletters (I did this in december, and even though they were well done, it's really liberating), stop talking about it, avoid your negative friend talking it down every time (your friend's opinions are good, but as worthy as yours, don't you agree?), take a mental holiday.

After that, quietly, pick one single topic, one single book, take your time, try to surround you in relax, then calmly and with some organization, take care of one thing at a time.

I'm doing it in these weeks: for small changes I switched my iGoogle theme to a green, soft and linear one, then I planned this serie of posts, and I realized how much being unfocused leads to a waste of energy. Focus on one thing les me use my time and my energies for better purpose, being more productive and happy. Even if I can be seen as selfish :)

So, granted that you have the core, what do you think about it?

Once upon a time

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Here we are, the second post in planning: what's wrong in our education, right?
I don't mean to transform this writing into pop psychology or into a "j'accuse".
There's a strong risk, but I'm just going for one thing: (to translate litterally from my dialect) "a pear tree doesn't grow apples".

Ah, folk wisdom, I'm fond of thee!
Trying to be less cryptic: the base here is that good part of what and who we are know is due to the education we received. Not only school teaching though!
Children are like sponges: they absorb anything, and they carry it around also when they are grown ups.
And given we've all been children, we've all absorbed something.

Now, there would be plenty of things to say on this subject, but today I'm pointing my finger to fairytales.
It may seem I'm talking only to ladies, but I'll show you how this applies also to boys.

Fairytales, the ones we know now, tell us to be kind and submissive, and that if we wish hard enough a good fairy godmother -whom was with us since we were born, like destiny stuff- will turn us into gorgeous and finds us a prince to save us and save the rest of our life.
Translation: do nothing, be miserable, and wait for somebody to rescue you, 'cause marriage is a woman only expectation in life (therefore dish out kids and serve your husband like a faithful geisha).
What do they teach to boys? That if you have a kingdom, a title, and are good looking, all you have to do is be a hero and rescue a beautiful miserable girl you met and saw just ONCE in your life.
Translation: you need money, a lot of, and a good looking body, because your one and only goal in life is living to make money, and then having a wife (any good looking woman is fine, there's no need to know her at all) that serves you like a faithful geisha.

ARE WE KIDDIN'?

I always thought I was the only one seeing the problem here, and picturing other endings for these fairytales... Snowhite would have opened a Farm Holiday resort with the dwarfs, The Sleeping Beauty would become a fashion designer (you know, colour changing clothes do mark you), and Cinderella would be a lawyer, get back all her dad's money and house other than defend women from similar abuse, and so on...
I found out that I'm not the only one, and Sarah Von did even better, also picturing their modern clothes!

But I'm going off my path... here's the point: even if we were taught something and therefore we behave some way, we do have the chance to change.

What we need: self-onesty and guts to change.

Guts is the part I'm still a bit lackin of, but then again if I simply think about how it gets on my nerves when I hear talking about "what people should say-think-do" I find the will to change in a sec. After all what we have to change is simply a state of mind: who said what? and most of all, why can't I say what's good for ME?

If we choose not to be sheeps, if we choose to stop wishing for people to notice us, our "magical powers" and come to rescue us, if we choose to actually do something, with commitment.. things change!

I know, welcome to banality-fair, but here is where self-onesty comes in play: we are the first liers, we lie to ourselves a lot, 'cause we don't want to see how things really are, because we reached some sort of balance in wich we try to be "happy".
But I'm sure that there is something better to gain if we risk something (risking what after all? "what people say"? I'm ready to risk it twice!).
It's still Obvious-festival, more! Reinventing-the-wheel-day, but there are things that need to be repeated over and over and over, untill our hears can actually hear it... and most of all because I've now learned (the hard way) that the best way to hide something sometimes is to put it in full light.

What I've learned from my thesis

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Every year we hear the same old things: look out for sale season, direct sunlight is bad for your skin, beware from quick summer diets and so on.
Every year people keep telling the same basic things: drink at least 2lt of water a day, eat healthy, have a regular physical activity, sleep well and don't worry.

How is it that we still haven't got it?

These are simple "rules", and they are worthy for ANY thing you wish to do: become a world famous tennis player or hotdog eater, or simply feel good with your own self.

This long intro to tell you what I've learned from my thesis (I promise, cross my heart, this is the last time I bother you with this... or at least I hope so!), the hairy guy depicted up there is our dear old Wilhelm Nietzsche (Friedrich was already written) .
Among many things I wrote, and most of all among many things he wrote there is one I need today.

Actually he doesn't say things very different from the ones I quoted before: he tells us to take walks, eat well, live in a place with a nice weather and listen to music.
This stands on the fact that for our Frederick William the usual separation between mind and body, intellect (noble) and world (less noble), thought and matter, has no reason to be.
World and nature are ruled by chaos, the very life of man is an exception in this chaos and the only thing we can do (unless you want to dig despair and then ignore it all) is acknowledge all of this and then give ourselves an order, to be able to forge our "becoming" (it's awful I know, but it means future, un-written destiny filled with chance, and development).

Or Faber est suae quisque fortunae, ok I'll stop pontificating and lecturing you: you create your future.
Neat uh?

Now you'll say ok, but what about stopping the philosophical talk and tell us what the hairy guy has to do with reinventing the wheel?
You're right.

For our daily topic what I realized thanks to my thesis is that it is quite good to bring your body back to what matters (eheh... gosh! :).
If you're fit (it doesn't mean you have to look like a super model, it means you are healthy) drinking plenty of water, eating well and being active, you rest better, your body is tonic, you breathe better which means you are not so nervous and therefore you're more likely to be happy.
And this is simply your body influencing your mind.

And I think it's quite obvious: the mind influences your body too: when you're feeling a strong emotion it immediately hits your throat and your voice sounds different.
This is (poorly said) a reaction of your reptilian brain: the conscious mind says "danger!" and your instincts react by changing the beat of your breathing and your pulse, your blood flows in your legs so they're ready to run, and your throat gets ready to scream for warning.
The good news is that if you consciously tell your lungs to breath deep and you repeat yourself you're NOT in danger you'll eventually learn to control your impulsive reactions... ok, this is not so automatic, but this makes clear why it is so important to train and prep yourself to keep yourself in control.
I still have to learn, but this is why I started this series of posts: to clear my mind (and in the meanwhile maybe help someone else) and to be more organized, prepared and calm.

Well, I didn't learn this directly from Nietzsche, but let's say he gave me the imput bofreconsidering the importance of the body.
Your body is not a prison, it's not something shameful, it's an important tool that may help us understand ourselves better, and understand better what's going on in our minds.
It may sound strange, but I really think it can work!

Quarter life crisis

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This is the second time I reschedule a post that I have already written, it's ready in my pc since some day, and in my mind since a little longer time.
I never take the leap between overthinking something that bothers me and actually dealing with it: I'm always afraid that I might open Pandora's box, but when I finally have the guts to do something I realize that it was just something easy but boring. And I must say that giving myself scheduled time on this blog really helps me facing things instead of choosing the easy path of simply ignoring or pretending to ignore the issue... 'cause it's always easier to ignore your problems and see yourself in them, than actually doing something to solve them.
After all nowadays someone with a happy, relaxed and healthy life is generally seen as someone naif, or high, or without real problems... mh... I'm not buying it.
I also have the bad habit of jumping onto many trains at a time: I constantly find many new interests and I always want to follow them all, alltogether and as perfectly as possible.
Add normal life things to do, to this picture, and you'll se why I'm always procrastinating and now I'm trying to settle things out.

I promise you that after these few articles I plan to write I'll stop bothering you with my graduation and my thesis. Anyway I bet you have already heard these words: "quarter life crisis".
A.K.A. midlife crisis young daughter, the one you go through betweeen your 20's and 30's, out from your student years, the one you face when you realize you potentially have all the doors open, but have no clue on which one to take.
You spent your adolecence in trying to determine who you are, and now that it seemed clear you have to start again, not recognizing the face you see in the mirror.
Everything you've done and studied seems useless.
Everything you know looks like it's stuck behind a full stop like some book ending, no "real life" awaits and you start wondering why you didn't start doing what you love long ago in order to be better at it now.
Moreover anything that tickles your imagination seems to require super high levels and skills: enjoying yoga is not enough, you have to be a world-famous guru, while looking for a job a graduation and PhD is not enough, you have to have years of experience behind your back. Nothing is ever enough, you have to aim higher and higher.
Plus it looks like behind the words other use there's always some deep, arcane, metaphysical concept... but I've found out that it's always more down to earth than it seems. If they talk about "creative visualization" they are talking about imagination, the one you have when you daydream!
In the end everybody seems to be year-light ahead of you, and you can't but curl up in a dark corner.

Well, we're all here wondering why on earth we have been such well behaved and mannered kids, following pre-estabilished steps, and now that we can do whatever we want we don't know what to do.

There are patent fallacies in our education (or at least this is my experience), though! listen! Euforilla is here to save the day reminding you (and most of all to herself) that it is possible to change things.

First and foremost you are not alone. Share what you are feeling and experiencing... I've always thought it was absurd keeping everything to yourselves like facing these issues is some kind of shame: if anybody speaks out we'll all end up in our bedrooms, listening to depressing music, feeling lonely and losers.

Anyway, sticking to the "you're not alone" motto, let's share and show it, here's what I plan to post next:

° what I've learned from my thesis (not while writing it, from the very topic of it), or the wisdom of the body.
° what's wrong in our education, even though it's not too late to change.
° sedona method, eft, and such "alternative methods" to find inner peace: when to stop.
° law of attraction and our old and lovely right to complain.
° gone with the shyness (in three parts 1, 2, 3): it has some biological functions, but this doesn't mean that it always has reason to be
° selfproclaiming... it can be good!
° useful questions to ask to have useful answers

I'm not an expert, I'm just giving you my two cents, because sharing helps me to overcome these "issues", and most of all because this is what Profession Muse was born to: maybe all my overthinking will save someone else's troubles.